Saturday, December 23, 2006

Christmas Card

That Santa Claus stuff is a bunch of hooey. He’s long dead. How can anyone believe in idiotic fantasies like that?

What is there, like 6.5 billion people in the world? Okay, so not all of them will get Christmas presents but clearly, with a number like that, it’s impossible for one person to get all that stuff delivered. Also, how the hell do those reindeer fly without wings? This stuff is just not plausible.

After 35 years of legal maneuvers I finally got the F.B.I. to release the secret file that explains it all. I’ve got the documents here that’ll prove it. Snopes will back me up on this.

It’s all them elves. There’s about a hundred million of ‘em and a hundred million winged reindeer too. Each delivers between 200 to 350 presents. It’s all freeze-dried stuff too that expands on contact with any liquid. That’s why you got to leave a drink for “Santa.” Have you ever noticed how presents smell a little milky?

How could there be that many elves? Easy, they’re freeze-dried too. All the elves and reindeer are kept in a box about the size of a Volkswagen beetle the rest of the year.


Blogger tlc illustration said...

If the elves stay freeze-dried the rest of the year, who makes (and freeze-dries) all the presents? Much less read all the mail? Or reconstitutes them all in time for Christmas?

There are still mysteries!

5:47 PM  
Blogger Tom Kidd said...

Oh, come on! The toys are made from pre-frozen and dried material. Just cause the elves are freeze-dried doesn't mean they can't move around in their box and make toys. I figured that was obvious.

As to the reconstitution, they just hold hands while one of them drinks a tall glass of eggnog. They expand like dominos one after the other with a little poof sound. An occasional one explodes but that's part of their reproductive process. We don't want to get into that just in case children are reading this.

6:20 PM  
Blogger tlc illustration said...

Tom - I'm laughing out loud.

This really ought to be expanded into an alternative-Christmas-mythos book, don't you think?

2:23 AM  
Blogger Scott Altmann said...

Reindeers totally need those wings - loving the card!
Uhmm...I am intimidated by freeze-dried elf debate, so I will just say Happy Holidays!
Talk soon,

10:35 AM  
Blogger Tom Kidd said...


I did some Santa Claus figurine designs for Danbury Mint a few years ago and I researched him. He seems to be based partly on the Norse God Odin. Odin rode an eight legged horse called Sleipnir to deliver presents. He threw them into people's chimneys. That became Sinterklass and he became Santa Claus. Santa became much more jolly when Haddon Sundblom painted him for the Coca Cola company. I guess Saint Nicholas fits in there somewhere but he just gave some money to some guy so his daughter had a dowry. That was so he could marry her off. The 'facts' may vary.

So you see, the mythos has already been altered.

4:48 PM  

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